Bill Eddy’s best selling book, It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything was released today, May 1, 2013, in Spanish: ¡Todo es tu Culpa! 12 Consejos para Lidiar Con Personas Que Culpan A Otros De Todo.
Please help us spread word about this book to the Spanish-speaking community everywhere. Published by High Conflict Institute Press, this book has grown in popularity as society struggles to deal with the most “difficult” people. Eddy refers to them as “high-conflict personalities” because they are driven by a pattern of behaviors that are seemingly contradictory to their own best interests; they blame others for just about everything; often portray themselves as the victim; are overly defensive; and take nearly everything as criticism. Bill explains:
1. High Conflict People (HCPs) have a long-term problem of blaming others.
2. HCPs appear to have Cluster B personality disorders or traits, with chronic unconscious Internal Upsets (IUs) that they mistakenly believe are caused by others—their Targets of Blame (TOBs). These include: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder.
3. HCPs truly want to feel better, so they attack their TOBs in misguided efforts to change or eliminate the danger they feel.
4. HCPs don’t reflect on or change their own inappropriate behavior. Their problems and conflicts continue and often escalate into high-conflict disputes.
5. You know you’re a Target of Blame when you are personally and repeatedly blamed or criticized in an intensely negative way by an HCP.
Understanding, Identifying and Managing High Conflict Personalities in Your Life
This ground-breaking book helps you identify high conflict personalities in your life and offers 12 outstanding tips for handling them in dating or marital relationships, at work, in the neighborhood, on the HOA board, in legal disputes and everywhere. Bill explains the operating system of the HCP — why they act the way they do — and how to respond to them in an opposite way from the way you respond to everyone else.
Si usted no ha sido Blanco De Culpabilidad de alguien, lo será pronto. Según el autor Bill Eddy, el culpabilizar a otros está incrementando en sociedades alrededor del mundo y hay un patrón en el comportamiento de culpabilizar impulsado por personas con ciertas personalidades. Quizá el15% de nuestra sociedad culpa a otros por todo. Aunque sea un problema que está aumentando en nuestra sociedad, Bill Eddy cree que también es predecible, además de ser un problema que puede ser gestionado en la mayoría de los casos teniendo un mejor entendimiento de los patrones de los desórdenes de personalidad y haciendo lo contrario a lo que querrá hacer cuando sea atacado.
Bill Eddy es un autor y orador para mediadores, abogados, jueces, terapeutas entre otras personas. Eddy ha escrito esta útil guía que puede ser usada por cualquiera en situaciones de la vida cotidiana. “¡Todo Es tu Culpa!” está basado en su experiencia de más de 20 años de trabajo con gente conflictiva. “Sus 12 consejos para lidiar con gente que culpa a otros por todo” proveen valiosas respuestas para prevenir que sus problemas cotidianos de trabajo, problemas familiares y del vecindario se conviertan en disputas altamente conflictivas.
To order paperback copies, please click here. Will be available later this month at Amazon Kindle, Sony Reader, Nook, Apple iStore, Scribd, Kobo, Gardner’s, eSensa, eBookPie.
About Bill Eddy
Bill Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, CA, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people. He teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law in Los Angeles, CA, and at Monash University School of Law in Melbourne, Australia. He is the author of several books, including: It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything (now available in Spanish and English). For more information please visit: http://www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
About Unhooked Books
Unhooked Books is more than an online bookstore. I opened Unhooked Books after seeing a need for one place for people to find the best and most current information available on personality disorders, high-conflict personalities, living healthy, eating healthy, and managing your life. After 15 years in divorce and child support law in a county prosecutor’s office and the Arizona Supreme Court, I co-founded High Conflict Institute which helps people in high-conflict disputes of any kind. This bookstore stemmed from the needs of the people who contacted us out of desperation. Our books are written by people who are experts in their fields. I’ve personally met and worked with most of them, and those who I haven’t met, come highly recommended by those whom I have met. Enjoy perusing our bookstore and contact us with questions or comments.
Changing the Culture of Conflict: October Newsletter
October 30, 2012
Read our October 2012 Newsletter.
EXCERPT: Mediating high-conflict disputes requires a more structured process than that used in most ordinary conflicts…
Guest Blog: Bill Eddy Two Weeks in Australia!
September 23, 2012
I just finished a series of seven seminar days in three cities in Australia: Canberra, Sydney and Melbourne. Mostly I spoke to highly experienced professionals about managing high conflict people in legal disputes and workplace disputes. These included mediators, arbitrators, human resource professionals, managers, government agency administrators, disabilities commissioners, judges and others. They generally agreed with me that we are seeing an increase in high conflict behavior (they spell it behaviour) across society. When I showed them the statistics from the large United States study about personality disorders, they said that they are probably experiencing the same prevalence in Australia.
In Canberra and Sydney, I spoke for the Institute of Arbitrators and Mediators Australia. Canberra is the nation’s capital, so that many managers with government agencies also attended the seminar. In Canberra, I had the honor of being introduced by the Deputy Chief Justice of the Family Court of Australia (yes, all of Australia). He mentioned characteristics he had observed in high conflict cases and he emphasized some conclusions which were a perfect introduction to the skills I presented throughout the day. In Sydney, I was also introduced by a retired high court justice, who has been instrumental in promoting alternative dispute resolution (ADR) in Australia. I also spoke to the Australian “National Mediation Conference,” which is held every other year.
In Melbourne, I had the opportunity to speak to over 100 managers and human resource professionals for their State Services Authority, which provides support to a wide variety of their federal government agencies. The State Services Authority has prepared a guidebook for dealing with high conflict behaviour, which is getting a lot of attention in other government agencies. (In the photo I am standing with the key organizers of the lecture and workshop I gave for the SSA.) Then, for three days I provided a course in managing high conflict personalities at Monash University to law students and practicing professionals, including several disabilities commissioners. While there I also had a tour of the Victoria State Supreme Court Building – by one of the Justices of the state Supreme Court!
One of the issues that arose is the problem of limited consequences for high conflict behavior in the workplace, because Australia has so many protections for employees. However, we discussed ways to still manage them and require behavioral improvement. While Australia has not suffered the economic recession of the United States and Europe, they are starting to have job cut-backs, especially in government employment. So they said the timing of these seminars on managing upset emotions and conflict in the workplace was particularly helpful.
Overall, I was treated extremely well while in Australia, and quite impressed with their judicial support for alternative dispute resolution and seeking solutions for managing high conflict people in legal and workplace dispute resolution. I look forward to future contacts – and visits!
About Bill Eddy
William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
Guest Blog: Is There a “Negativity Rule” in Politics?
September 17, 2012
By Bill Eddy and Don Saposnek
In our new book, Splitting America, Don Saposnek and I mention an interesting relationship rule that marriage researchers have discovered. Namely, that healthy and happy marriages have a ratio of positive to negative communications of approximately 5-to-1. According to studies done by marriage experts John and Julie Gottman, it doesn’t matter whether couples bicker a lot or are fairly quiet with each other. They consistently found that there was this same ratio of positive to negative. In other words, if you have a lot of positives in the bank in your relationship, you can manage some negativity without it harming your overall relationship. Much more negativity than that, and you may be heading for divorce. (Gottman, J. & J., Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last, 1994.)
Politics: 5-to1 Rule?
We wonder whether this 5-to-1 “negativity rule” is also true in our nation’s political communication. In the past few years, we are seeing the heavy influx of Super PAC money and the negative ads that they buy. We are also seeing the over-exposure of the nation to negative news reports about the candidates on a 24/7 basis. If either candidate makes a negative remark – even off-handed and not intended to start a fight – the news reports it over and over and over again. This seems to be what gets attention in today’s competitive news environment as well as politics – go negative or you get ignored and go out of business.
Many people (politicians, commentators, conflict resolution professionals and voters) are noting that the current political discourse is more polarized than ever before. We believe that it may be that the 5-to-1 “negativity rule” has been exceeded between our political parties and politicians, and that we are headed toward a national political divorce. We wonder how our nation will heal after the elections in November – not just Presidential, but state and local elections, many of which are extremely polarized as well for the same reason of violating the negativity rule.
Will voters stay hopelessly polarized beyond repair, as alienated children often are in high-conflict divorce, where the 5-1 ratio becomes almost 100% negative? Will the candidates be able to make peace, after inundating each other with highly-personal, negative remarks on a 24/7 basis? Will the leaders of the Republican and Democratic parties be able to talk to each other and address the nation’s problems productively? Or will the losing parties simply begin focusing on the “winning big” in the next election? All indicators, as we describe in our book, are that the nation will remain hopelessly “split” – unable to return to the 5-1 “negativity rule,” once it has been this severely broken.
What do we recommend?
One suggestion is for politicians to restrain themselves and make a public commitment to run no more than one out of six ads as “negative ads.” If they can’t restrain themselves, then we need to vote them out and seek new laws to restrain them for our own sake.
Are either of the current candidates for President staying within this 5-1 “negativity rule?” The New York Times states that negative ads are generally defined as those that “mention the other candidate’s name.” They report that from April to July, Barack Obama ran 118,775 negative commercials to 56,128 positive ones. During the same time period, Mitt Romney ran 51,973 negative ads to 11,921 positive. (Zeleny, J. “Obama’s Team Taking Gamble Going Negative,” The New York Times, published July 29, 2012.) This over-emphasis on the negative may help explain general public frustration with today’s political discourse. According to the relationship negativity rule, both candidates are way out of bounds.
Super PACs Self-Restraint
Of course, we suggest that Super PACs also operate under the same self-restraint – or its time to reinstate election regulations if they won’t. While technically Super PACs are independent and not allowed to “cooperate” with each party’s campaign of the candidate they support, this is a cynical restriction. Everyone knows that these Super PACs are operated by those who have previously worked on the same party’s campaigns, if not the same candidate’s campaign.
For example, the New York Times reported in July that the political director of Mitt Romney’s campaign in 2008 will guide over $400 million in spending to defeat Barack Obama, on behalf of the American Crossroads Super PAC. (Confessore, N. “Ex-Romney Aide Steers Vast Machine of G.O.P. Money,” The New York Times, published July 22, 2012.) Judging from this article and others, Super PACs will fund more than the candidates’ own campaigns in trying to defeat the other candidate – almost all of it by going negative.
As we explain in our book, we know from working with high-conflict divorcing families that the children and other bystanders remain hopelessly split from an over-emphasis of negativity from one or both parents – ten and even twenty years later in many cases. If we’re going to survive as the “United” States, we must join together in stopping this negativity and its harmful long-term effects.
About Bill Eddy
William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
About Don Saposnek
Donald T. Saposnek, Ph.D. is a clinical-child psychologist, child custody mediator and family therapist in private practice for over 40 years, and is a national and international trainer of mediation and child development. For the past 35 years, he has been teaching on the psychology faculty at the University of California at Santa Cruz, and is Adjunct Professor at Pepperdine University School of Law’s Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution. He is the author of the classic book, Mediating Child Custody Disputes and has published extensively in the professional literature on child custody and child psychology. He serves on the editorial boards of the Family Court Review and Conflict Resolution Quarterly journals and is the editor of the international Academy of Professional Family Mediators’ The Professional Family Mediator. As director of Family Mediation Service of Santa Cruz, he managed the family court services for 17 years and has mediated nearly 5,000 child custody disputes in both the public and private sectors since 1977. For more information about Don Saposnek, please visit: www.mediate.com/dsaposnek
Liberia No Longer Wants to be a Third World Country and Known for its Poverty and Strife.
April 9, 2012
I had opportunity this week to attend a presentation by Vice President Hon. Joseph M. Boakai of Liberia, Africa, who visited Phoenix with a delegation from his country. After a 14-year conflict, the country is in the rebuilding stage and have a strong desire to revolutionize their country, under the leadership of twice-elected President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf. Oil deposits have been discovered which could cause ruin if the country allows itself to be exploited; however, they wisely have determined to manage all aspects of oil exploration, and growth in every sector of their economy.
Liberia no longer wants to be a Third World Country and known for its poverty and strife. President Sirleaf and Vice President Boakai, who have been democratically elected twice in the last six years, are guiding the country into a new future. They are taking the reins and building relationships with potential U.S. partners who can not only help them build infrastructure to support expected growth, but to bring direct foreign investment into Liberia and transfer knowledge and technical expertise to their people.
What does this have to do with Unhooked Books?
I took a moment to give a copy of one of the books we publish, It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything, with one of the speakers of the day, the woman responsible for investment and growth in Liberia – a brilliant woman. The title resonated with her immediately. She explained that Liberians in general have adopted an attitude of blaming everything – absolutely everything – on the war. She said that every document produced started with, “As a result of the 14-year conflict…..”, which she promptly had removed from those documents.
While she recognizes that people are still traumatized by the conflict, she also knows they must move on and remain stuck in the past. A characteristic of high-conflict people is that they get stuck in the second stage of grief – anger – causing them to remain stuck in the past. The resulting lifelong patterns of behavior emanate from that place and they stay hooked on events, ideas, issues, etc., for which they have little or no control over. They see life through an all or nothing lens and have little hope of moving forward.
I commend the leaders of Liberia for moving the country forward from a place of blame to a thriving, healthy economy.
unHooked Books megan@unhookedbooks.com
High Conflict Mediation Training in Victoria, BC
March 24, 2012
Last week I had the opportunity to train 35 mediators, lawyers, counselors and workplace professionals in mediating high-conflict disputes in Victoria, in British Columbia, Canada. It was very rewarding to work with such an experienced and interested group. The theme of the two days was finding ways to engage one or two high-conflict people (HCPs) in helping resolve their own disputes. It is clear that HCPs need to learn skills to participate in effective decision-making. Up to now, many professionals (mediators, lawyers, judges and others) have tried hard to get HCPs to reach agreements quickly, so they can be done with them. But then the HCPs simply sabotage their own agreements. So instead, we discussed ways of putting the responsibility back on the clients to take a stronger role, by:
- Managing their own emotions during the mediation – by avoiding taking things personally. (“The other person’s verbal attacks are not about you – they’re about the other person’s inability to manage their own emotions.”)
- Helping clients make proposals – in many cases to make two proposals for solving any problem. Any criticism, blaming, frustration, etc. can simply be turned into a proposal.
- Helping clients respond to proposals, with Yes, No or I’ll Think About It. This avoids getting into arguments about the wisdom (or lack of) of the other person’s particular proposals.
For mediators, this means constantly remaining vigilant to avoid doing too much of the work for the clients. This is a common problem with high-conflict clients (HCPs). They either don’t have the skills or the confidence to focus on solving problems. Instead, they unconsciously try to shift responsibility for their own behavior and decisions onto the mediator. They may get angry or sad, in an effort to get the mediator to do the decision-making for them. But then they blame the mediator for doing it wrong.
One of the most popular points of the workshop was the ways to reduce the mediators’ frustration and anxiety in dealing with high-conflict clients. We made a list of reminders, including:
- Don’t work harder than your clients – or your high-conflict clients won’t work on their part of the problem.
- You’re not responsible for the outcome – just the process.
- The issue’s not the issue – the personalities are the issue, so the relationship with the clients is your focus.
- Telling clients “You have a dilemma” when new problems arise, and educating them about their options rather than trying to direct the clients in how to resolve these new problems.
- Many HCPs CAN reach realistic and lasting agreements – it just takes longer, sometimes three times as long.
- Treat HCPs at all times with Empathy, Attention and Respect – and they will often calm down and become productive problem-solvers.
As I said, it was a very experienced group, which meant that I also learned a lot and enjoyed our collaborations in discussing ways to help our clients. I am more convinced than ever that mediation can be highly effective for high-conflict clients, if we use the right skills – and teach them some simple skills – in the process.
Mediation isn’t just an alternative to court – it should be the main method for resolving disputes – especially with high-conflict people. The techniques we discussed can offer them a chance to be effective problem solvers, rather than getting stuck in endless attack-and-defend battles in court over issues that are more about their personalities than the law.
High Conflict Institute provides training and consultations, as well and books, DVDs and CDsregarding dealing with High Conflict People (HCPs) in legal, workplace, educational, and healthcare disputes. Bill Eddy is the President of the High Conflict Institute and the author of It’s All Your Fault!, Splitting, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns and Don’t Alienate the Kids! He is an author, attorney, mediator, and therapist. Bill has presented seminars to attorneys, judges, mediators, ombudspersons, human resource professionals, employee assistance professionals, managers, and administrators in 25 states, several provinces in Canada, France, Sweden, and Australia. For more information about High Conflict Institute, our seminars and consultations, Bill Eddy or to purchase a book, CD or DVD, visit:www.highconflictinstitute.com
In this issue:
Article: Who Are High-Conflict People?
Book of the Month:
Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents
Interview with author, Blaise Aguirre, MD
Excerpt: B.I.F.F.s for Politicians
February 20, 2012
Politicians are among those who use Blamespeak the most – because it works! In recent elections people have deplored the use of negative ads, yet they have been used more than ever. They grab your attention and make you concerned. While most politicians in the past were not high-conflict people, the times we live in seem to reinforce high-conflict politicians the most. In our highly competitive world of news, the most extreme behavior gets the most attention.
The effect of this trend will be more and more high-conflict politicians getting elected – and acting badly. Those who live by Blamespeak will often crash by Blamespeak – and we have seen many politicians getting pushed out of office for bad behavior. High-conflict people have predictable patterns of behavior – at least to those who pay attention to HCP dynamics.
HCPs in politics often start out by alleging to be heroes against evil villains – and all-or-nothing approach. “Elect me and I will eliminate the fraud and corruption of the prior government official.” The ones who say this the loudest are often the HCPs, because they rely on extreme emotions to hook in the electorate and often promise extreme solutions.
Government is a messy business, because it has to somehow deal with differences of opinions in ways that everyone can tolerate. Good politicians can get work done by managing these differences, with respect for everyone, including people who hold very opposite points of view. High-conflict politicians are less able to manage differences and resort to all-or-nothing thinking, exaggerated emotions and extreme solutions – which only they know how to accomplish! Beware!
This chapter includes two examples of possible B.I.F.F.s in response to real statements – one by a Democrat and one by a Republican. No names are mentioned, as the point is to practice how to respond, not how to judge or promote one party or another. There are plenty of HCPs in all parties, for the same reasons that there are plenty of HCPs in all the other settings described in this book: HCPs seem to be increasing in society and they are attracted to conflict where they can thrive.
HCPs make it look like there is a legal or political issue, but the “issue” is not the issue – their personality is the issue. Of course, I don’t know if anyone was an HCP in these scenarios and my facts are certainly not complete. I never met the people involved and there are always many points of view. What’s important here is the concepts of how to respond to political Blamespeak.
To read more, order your copy of B.I.F.F. Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Hostile Emails, Vicious Rumors, and Personal Attacks by Bill Eddy Attorney, Mediator and Therapist
Civility Training at Work
By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
© 2011 by High Conflict Institute
Times have changed. Incivility is growing in the workplace, as well as in most areas of our society. How big of a problem is this? Why is this happening? And what can be done about it – as individuals and as organizations? The two main points of this article are to explain why the most effective civility training focuses on specific skills, rather than simply admonishing people to be civil or decent, and to explain why such training is best when provided to a whole workgroup or organization at the same time.
A Growing Problem?
In August 2011, a front-page newspaper article stated that incivility in the workplace is growing, as reported by the American Psychological Association. According to a poll by Civility in America, 43% of American workers have experienced incivility and 38% say there is increasing disrespect in the workplace. Another study showed 86% of workers saw incidents of incivility in several firms.
Effective January 2009, The Joint Commission, which sets the standards for hospitals nationwide, adopted new leadership standards for conflict management in hospitals, because of “intimidating and disruptive behaviors” by some healthcare professionals and employees that could affect patient care.
In July 2009, a “Civility Toolbox” for California attorneys was implemented after being developed by a Civility Task Force because of the “perceived decline in civility in the practice of law.”
In July 2011, a squabble between congressional members hit the national news for a week during the debt ceiling debate, when one member sent an email (copied to several others) telling another member “You are the most vile, unprofessional, and despicable member of the US House of Representatives…. You have proven repeatedly that you are not a Lady, therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me!”
These events indicate a growing problem with incivility throughout our society. However, not everyone acts this way. Now appears to be a good time to strongly address this problem before it grows out of control. First, we need to understand what may be driving this behavior, so we can most effectively reduce it.
What Causes Incivility?
There seems to be several causes feeding this problem.
A CULTURE OF BLAME AND DISRESPECT: We currently live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect, so that television, movies, the internet and even newspapers emphasize the misbehavior of individuals more than issues of real substance: Who said what disrespectful statement to whom today? Who walked off a TV show or out of a political meeting? And what acts of the worst individual violence were done – and by whom? It’s as if to say: “Don’t you ever act this way – and we’ll show you again and again how to do it!”
Brain researchers have recently discovered that we have “mirror neurons” in our brains, which cause us to imagine ourselves doing the exact same behaviors of the people we see around us and to feel what they are feeling – perhaps to prepare ourselves to do the same behaviors if necessary. They report that our mirror neurons even imitate the behavior of people we see on a 2-dimensional screen (TV, computers, etc.), although the effect may be slightly less than it would be in person. Thus we may be absorbing the behaviors associated with violence, disrespect and the current cultural preoccupation with blaming others while avoiding responsibility. Whether we actually act on these behaviors may depend on our closest colleagues.
Incivility is an angry act. Brain research informs us that watching other people’s facial expressions of anger or fear can hook the amygdala in our brains with lighting speed. The amygdala grabs our attention, shuts down our higher thinking, and prepares us for “fight or flight.” In many cases, incivility may be part of this protective/defensive response, such as the congressman suggests above. He justifies his statement by saying it was simply a response to the congresswoman’s attack on him.
Such negative behavior is clearly inappropriate in modern situations and often backfires. Yet we are repeatedly exposed to examples of incivility, presented as newsworthy behavior from the highest levels of government, business and entertainment. While such statements are criticized by some, they are defended and applauded by others. This behavior – and the lack of agreement about it – makes us more anxious as a society, and research shows that we are more likely to absorb the emotions of those around us if we are anxious.
With this knowledge, it’s not surprising that incivility is growing in our culture. Rather than emphasizing the positive behaviors necessary for the success of a culture, we are preoccupied with entertainment and news images that emphasize the negative – because it’s what grabs our attention and that’s what sells. Unfortunately, this is also what we learn to mirror.
HIGH-CONFLICT INDIVIDUALS: Recent research indicates that “high-conflict” personalities are increasing in our society. People with these personalities tend to have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behaviors, a preoccupation with blaming others and a lack of self-restraint. Making rude and uncivil comments may be part of their personalities, so that it feels totally appropriate to them and they are not even apologetic or embarrassed by this behavior. On the other hand, some people may not have “high-conflict” personalities, but they may believe that rude comments and behavior are an appropriate response to someone else’s uncivil behavior.
For example, is the congressman above a high-conflict person? Or is he simply responding to a high-conflict person with appropriate comments? He justifies his behavior because of his perception that her behavior was unjustified. (He said she had spoken about his position on the issues after he had left a public meeting, so that he had no chance to respond.) Many people take this justification approach these days. Some are high-conflict people themselves, with a long-standing pattern of blaming others and a lack of self-awareness of their own negative behavior. Others are generally reasonable people who have become “emotionally hooked.”
For example, one management educator suggests in his book that it is appropriate to respond to rude behavior with a disdainful public response. (A man who was hassling a waitress was publically told by another customer that he was the perfect example of an asshole. “The entire place roared, and the asshole looked humiliated, shut his trap, and soon slithered out, while the waitress beamed.” ) Unfortunately, while momentarily satisfying, this approach is often just as uncivil as the rude behavior it is allegedly confronting. Instead, there are skills that people can use to respond to rude behavior without being uncivil in return. But these skills need to be practiced and part of the social environment.
ORGANIZATIONAL LEADERSHIP: People who study the social behavior of animals say that all mammals have a natural “dominance hierarchy.” There’s an “alpha” wolf or dog or baboon who is in charge of the pack. It’s common to have physical fights among these animals, until the dominance hierarchy has been established and the loser backs off. Then there is peace and stability, and the pack follows the leader’s lead behavior – often for quite a while. When the alpha finally loses the ability to remain dominant, then a new alpha emerges – often after a vicious power struggle – followed by a new period of stability.
This pattern seems to apply to humans as well, although mostly with verbal power struggles. However, long periods of peace and stability may be diminishing in today’s world, as businesses go through rapid upheavals and organizational change has become the standard. Not only is there increased anxiety as the hierarchy is constantly changed, but the worst power struggle behaviors of those on top may be repeated throughout the organization – as individuals try to defend themselves or jocky for higher positions. Uncivil statements are often part of these power struggles and the longer they remain unresolved, the more likely that they will spill over into the workplace at large.
Other research shows that we tend to adapt to the characteristics of the people around us. For example, if you are around obese people, you are more likely to become obese. If you are around people who smoke, you are more likely to smoke. And if you are around people who are happy, you are more likely to be happy.
All of this suggests that the organizational culture is driven by the examples at the top and by those closest to us in the workplace. If incivility is part of that culture, it will easily spread. Everyone knows how to be uncivil these days, based on the training we are receiving daily from our larger Culture of Blame and Disrespect. However, if incivility is rejected in the organizational culture, from the top down to the workgroup, then people are more likely to restrain themselves and practice civil behavior.
With all of this in mind, the following suggestions are made regarding the ways that civility training can benefit organizations and individuals. The focus needs to be on specific skills for civil responses to difficult behavior or uncivil comments, and on training the whole organization at the same time, to provide shared skills and an organizational culture that promotes respect and problem-solving.
What Can Be Done?
Specific skills can be taught for responding to uncivil or “high-conflict” behavior, which are simple and easy to remember under pressure. When we provide seminars to organizations, some of our most popular skills are the simplest to learn – although they need a lot of practice under pressure. The following are four of examples:
1. Reminders, such as “It’s Not About You!”: This is one of the most powerful statements that gives employees encouragement, while also restraining their own temptations to respond with an attack on someone else’s uncivil behavior. They don’t have to defend themselves or prove anything, because “It’s Not About Me!” This saves an incredible amount of emotional energy and time. At our trainings, we present several such “reminders” which can be practiced regularly. A full explanation of each of these gives employees a logical basis for the reminders, as well as an increased ability to remember them. Without a full explanation and repetitive practice, employees are more likely to forget and engage in counter-attacks in response to incivility and the bad behavior of others in general.
2. BIFF Responses. BIFFs are usually responses to uncivil emails, letters, memos and public attacks, usually in writing. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. Responding in this manner shifts the focus from attack-defend to information and choices. A good BIFF often ends a negative email or social media conversation that has been spiraling out of control. These brief responses can save energy and time, while earning respect for the person who is able to write a good BIFF. (See BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns at end of this article.)
3. E.A.R. Statements. E.A.R. stands for Empathy, Attention and/or Respect. By making statements which use this verbal technique, a person can respond to uncivil comments on the job with clients, co-workers and even supervisors. It takes the conflict out of the situation immediately. But it takes practice. In our seminars we include short and fun exercises for implementing this technique. (See article on our website titled: Calming Upset People with E.A.R.)
4. “That’s enough, Joe!” This is a skill for bystanders who witness uncivil behavior and for targets of incivility themselves. Incivility is fed by the laughter of bystanders or lack of opposition by bystanders. As incivility grows, such public disrespect is a more common occurrence. But an organization or workgroup can nip this in the bud by practicing calmly saying “That’s enough, Joe!” (or whatever the person’s name). This is a small and generally non-threatening message that’s easier to say than a major office confrontation or embarrassing public humiliation of the offender (tempting as it is). Also, an employee may feel safe saying this to an offender, whereas getting up the strength for a major or clever rejoinder may not be possible or appropriate (or safe). Of course, this also takes practice and some discretion in deciding when it is appropriate, especially when the offender is a supervisor. Just saying this to oneself about the offender can be reassuring and helpful.
These are four examples of several ways to avoid making uncivil comments or over-reacting to incivility. When individuals practice these techniques it empowers them to respond more quickly and confidently. This is much more effective than simply admonishing someone to be decent or civil, or feeling hopeless about incivility in today’s culture. When workgroups and organizations learn and practice these skills together, it gives everyone responses that they can share. Any co-worker can say “Remember, what Joe said is not about you” and a targeted co-worker will understand immediately. By understanding and learning these skills together, an organizational culture of respect and problem-solving can prevail. Such a culture can reduce stress on the job, and these skills can help employees in their personal lives as well.
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Bill Eddy is an attorney, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. Mr. Eddy and our affiliate trainers are available to present 3-hour and 6-hour training sessions to organizations, large and small, in understanding and managing incivility and other high-conflict behavior. We have provided such training to whole law offices, hospital administrations, human resource departments from colleges to railroads, homeowners associations and staff, and others. Mr. Eddy is the author of several books, including: BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns (HCI Press, 2011). For more information about our seminars, books, CDs and DVDs, please visit www.highconflictinstitute.com.
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