Guest Blog: Excerpt from It’s Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
December 3, 2012
Setting Limits
Setting limits is not a simple subject when an HCP is involved. It’s like walking a tight rope or walking on eggshells. Yet it’s often necessary. If you avoid setting limits with an HCP, you risk an escalation of conflict in your life—no matter how empathetic and respectful you might be. This is because HCPs generally can’t stop themselves.
Remember, their behavior is driven by their own spontaneous Internal Upsets— their feelings of distress and danger. While you can calm down an HCP with your E.A.R., this won’t change his or her personality. Sometimes it changes their behavior toward you as the Target of Blame, and sometimes it has only a very brief impact. We’ll talk about setting limits in depth in Tip #11. In the mean- time, here are a few brief points.
- Setting Limits is not aggressive. The goal is not to harm or destroy the other person, or to threaten the person unnecessarily.
- Setting Limits is not passive. The goal is not to ignore Behavior that’s Aggressively Defensive, which HCPs can quickly escalate if they feel there are no realistic limits.
- Setting Limits is assertive. The goal is to protect yourself by putting limits on the HCP’s behavior—stopping the behavior without attacking the HCP. Tip #11 addresses many ways to do this.
- Often, setting limits doesn’t require saying anything, just acting differently.
- Setting limits is best done in a matter-of-fact manner, with empathy and respect.
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For more information on It’s All Your Fault!, view this video.
About Bill Eddy
William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
Guest Blog: HEALING AMERICA—What Can Be Done?
November 13, 2012
By Bill Eddy and Don Saposnek
Now that the election is over, many people are asking for our opinion of what should be done to avoid future “high-conflict” elections, since we wrote about this problem in our book, Splitting America. Now is the time to prevent such hostility from occurring in the future, and to avoid the billions of dollars in cost for mostly negative advertising and the unnecessary great division of our country. Here are a few thoughts, which we explain in greater detail in the last chapter of our book.
1. For politicians: They need to learn how to discuss issues and respond to personal attacks without firing personal attacks back. It can be done. We have seen it work in high conflict family court cases and in workplace and business disputes. You can be assertive about your ideas and about the problems in the proposals of others, without having to make it personal. Politicians repeatedly believe they have only two choices: be passive, or be nasty. However, a third choice gets lots of respect: being assertive about your proposal and explanation of what works and what doesn’t – without being personal. A good example would be Bill Clinton’s speech at the Democratic Convention; he personally attacked no one but, instead, explained the issues more clearly than any other politician this year – and he received the most respect for doing so.
2. For us as individuals: We need to practice Empathy, Attention and Respect (E.A.R.) with those who disagree with us. We need to practice writing emails, Facebook postings and letters that are Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (BIFF). In other words, we need to practice more self-restraint than blaming comments. We need to take responsibility for problem-solving and recognize the benefits of multiple points of view and multiple proposals for solving problems. As we explain in our book, we don’t need polarization, we need “polarity management,” which is a process of balancing and integrating opposing points of view, rather than trying to eliminate the “other.” We need to focus on building long-term relationships, rather than just strive for short-term problem solving.
3. For society: We need to: 1) reinstate reasonable restraints on election behavior – including reversing the Citizens United U.S. Supreme Court decision, limiting contributions to negative ads, and disclosing who is funding them; and 2) elect people who can collaborate and mediate to solve problems. Maybe it’s time for more collaborative professionals and mediators to run for office. Any volunteers out there?
For the next blog, it is time to move on to other conflict resolution topics!
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About Bill Eddy
William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
About Don Saposnek
Donald T. Saposnek, Ph.D. is a clinical-child psychologist, child custody mediator and family therapist in private practice for over 40 years, and is a national and international trainer of mediation and child development. For the past 35 years, he has been teaching on the psychology faculty at the University of California at Santa Cruz, and is Adjunct Professor at Pepperdine University School of Law’s Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution. He is the author of the classic book, Mediating Child Custody Disputes and has published extensively in the professional literature on child custody and child psychology. He serves on the editorial boards of the Family Court Review and Conflict Resolution Quarterly journals and is the editor of the international Academy of Professional Family Mediators’ The Professional Family Mediator. As director of Family Mediation Service of Santa Cruz, he managed the family court services for 17 years and has mediated nearly 5,000 child custody disputes in both the public and private sectors since 1977. For more information about Don Saposnek, please visit: www.mediate.com/dsaposnek
Guest Blog – The Utility of E.A.R: To Mediation and Beyond
October 22, 2012
By Maria Buglar
I was first introduced to the concept of E.A.R. (Empathy, Attention and Respect) when I had the very great fortune of attending a workshop presented by Bill Eddy in Perth, Australia in 2008. As a psychologist and novice mediator I had become acutely aware that the majority of high conflict mediation involved clients with significant personality issues. My ability to successfully intervene was hindered consistently with rigidity, inflexibility, lack of empathy, egocentricity and, a glorious ability to dodge any responsibility for the problem OR resolving the problem!
Bill Eddy’s book, It’s All Your Fault, identified these highly conflicted, rigid and uncompromising clients as High Conflict Personalities (HCPs) and made the links between people living with a personality disorder and their experience with interpersonal conflict. This was incredibly liberating for my practice as I recognized the ability to move from facilitative dispute resolution to a conflict management model of practice.
The C.A.R.S. Method of conflict resolution incorporating E.A.R. and B.I.F.F. sounds like acronym heaven, however, the simplicity of these methods belies the powerful impact they have in the mediation room. When a HCP client feels heard (E.A.R) you can move mountains. When combined with simple practical tasks of creating lists (or ‘listing’ as I call it) to encourage left brain rationality, the mediator has an opportunity to deescalate the tension in the room, refocus to relevant issues and then start working toward solutions. It simply gets things moving forward.
Personality presents across a continuum of functionality. The beauty of the C.A.R.S., E.A.R. and B.I.F.F. interventions presented in the book is that, despite their utility with HCPs, they are also readily applied to client groups beyond mediation. Clients on the ASD spectrum, in particular, Asperger’s disorder, respond very well to E.A.R. The C.A.R.S. Method is easily adapted for relationship counseling communication strategies and left-right brain information is very relevant for anger and stress management clients.
We work with a variety of presenting clients and problems every day. To have the skills to work effectively and confidently may come down to the ‘tools in our toolbox.’ It’s All Your Fault, delivers simple powerful tools that work when it really matters; when our clients need it.
Maria Buglar
Maria Buglar is a psychologist with extensive experience in community and private sectors, supporting individuals and family systems through transitions and life challenges. In her private practice, Maria primarily supports clients experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, grief and loss. She has also worked extensively within family law sectors and with highly conflicted court ordered families, dealing with significant challenges such as entrenched conflict, domestic violence, parental alienation and parent-child reunification.
Maria is an experienced mediator, clinical supervisor, certified trainer, and co-founder of Professional Development Queensland (PDQ). As a consultant to the Queensland Police Service, Maria assisted in the drafting of domestic violence training programs, and regularly conducts workplace training to a variety of non-government agencies and workers across the state.
Maria is also currently coordinating a family law professional’s network supporting over 530 industry professionals with legislative information, professional development and social networking opportunities.
Happy New Year! HCI at 4!
January 5, 2012
We soon found that many others were interested in our trainings, including lawyers, judges, and mediators in all areas of law; human resource professionals, law enforcement, healthcare administrators, college administrators and homeowners associations. Then we received requests for seminars from overseas! In 2011, Megan spoke in several cities in Australia and Bill spoke in Sweden, as well as giving seminars in several provinces in Canada. About 25% of our seminars are now in Canada.
Publishing books was a surprise development for HCI. At first, we just sold Bill’s books (published by two other small presses), but in 2009 HCI took over publishing Bill’s existing and some new books, and some other authors. Megan went to publishing conferences and really learned the field. She turned our website into a beautiful Internet business, selling books, CDs, DVDs and even coffee mugs with our sayings on them (“The Issue’s Not the Issue” “Don’t Work Harder Than Your Clients”).
A surprising new area was developing simple methods for interpersonal conflict resolution with high conflict people in many settings. Bill developed the “E.A.R. Technique” for calming upset people, the “B.I.F.F. Response” to hostile email and other communications, and the “C.A.R.S. Method” of conflict resolution for the workplace – or any setting. In 2009, we developed the “New Ways for Families” court-based method for managing high conflict divorces, which has been adopted in six cities in the United States and Canada, and also adapted for Collaborative Divorce. Bill is now working on the “New Ways for Work” coaching method, for dealing with potentially high conflict employees to see if they can learn conflict reducing skills (or not). We hope this will be out in 2012, published by Megan with training by Bill.
Civility Training at Work
By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
© 2011 by High Conflict Institute
Times have changed. Incivility is growing in the workplace, as well as in most areas of our society. How big of a problem is this? Why is this happening? And what can be done about it – as individuals and as organizations? The two main points of this article are to explain why the most effective civility training focuses on specific skills, rather than simply admonishing people to be civil or decent, and to explain why such training is best when provided to a whole workgroup or organization at the same time.
A Growing Problem?
In August 2011, a front-page newspaper article stated that incivility in the workplace is growing, as reported by the American Psychological Association. According to a poll by Civility in America, 43% of American workers have experienced incivility and 38% say there is increasing disrespect in the workplace. Another study showed 86% of workers saw incidents of incivility in several firms.
Effective January 2009, The Joint Commission, which sets the standards for hospitals nationwide, adopted new leadership standards for conflict management in hospitals, because of “intimidating and disruptive behaviors” by some healthcare professionals and employees that could affect patient care.
In July 2009, a “Civility Toolbox” for California attorneys was implemented after being developed by a Civility Task Force because of the “perceived decline in civility in the practice of law.”
In July 2011, a squabble between congressional members hit the national news for a week during the debt ceiling debate, when one member sent an email (copied to several others) telling another member “You are the most vile, unprofessional, and despicable member of the US House of Representatives…. You have proven repeatedly that you are not a Lady, therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me!”
These events indicate a growing problem with incivility throughout our society. However, not everyone acts this way. Now appears to be a good time to strongly address this problem before it grows out of control. First, we need to understand what may be driving this behavior, so we can most effectively reduce it.
What Causes Incivility?
There seems to be several causes feeding this problem.
A CULTURE OF BLAME AND DISRESPECT: We currently live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect, so that television, movies, the internet and even newspapers emphasize the misbehavior of individuals more than issues of real substance: Who said what disrespectful statement to whom today? Who walked off a TV show or out of a political meeting? And what acts of the worst individual violence were done – and by whom? It’s as if to say: “Don’t you ever act this way – and we’ll show you again and again how to do it!”
Brain researchers have recently discovered that we have “mirror neurons” in our brains, which cause us to imagine ourselves doing the exact same behaviors of the people we see around us and to feel what they are feeling – perhaps to prepare ourselves to do the same behaviors if necessary. They report that our mirror neurons even imitate the behavior of people we see on a 2-dimensional screen (TV, computers, etc.), although the effect may be slightly less than it would be in person. Thus we may be absorbing the behaviors associated with violence, disrespect and the current cultural preoccupation with blaming others while avoiding responsibility. Whether we actually act on these behaviors may depend on our closest colleagues.
Incivility is an angry act. Brain research informs us that watching other people’s facial expressions of anger or fear can hook the amygdala in our brains with lighting speed. The amygdala grabs our attention, shuts down our higher thinking, and prepares us for “fight or flight.” In many cases, incivility may be part of this protective/defensive response, such as the congressman suggests above. He justifies his statement by saying it was simply a response to the congresswoman’s attack on him.
Such negative behavior is clearly inappropriate in modern situations and often backfires. Yet we are repeatedly exposed to examples of incivility, presented as newsworthy behavior from the highest levels of government, business and entertainment. While such statements are criticized by some, they are defended and applauded by others. This behavior – and the lack of agreement about it – makes us more anxious as a society, and research shows that we are more likely to absorb the emotions of those around us if we are anxious.
With this knowledge, it’s not surprising that incivility is growing in our culture. Rather than emphasizing the positive behaviors necessary for the success of a culture, we are preoccupied with entertainment and news images that emphasize the negative – because it’s what grabs our attention and that’s what sells. Unfortunately, this is also what we learn to mirror.
HIGH-CONFLICT INDIVIDUALS: Recent research indicates that “high-conflict” personalities are increasing in our society. People with these personalities tend to have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behaviors, a preoccupation with blaming others and a lack of self-restraint. Making rude and uncivil comments may be part of their personalities, so that it feels totally appropriate to them and they are not even apologetic or embarrassed by this behavior. On the other hand, some people may not have “high-conflict” personalities, but they may believe that rude comments and behavior are an appropriate response to someone else’s uncivil behavior.
For example, is the congressman above a high-conflict person? Or is he simply responding to a high-conflict person with appropriate comments? He justifies his behavior because of his perception that her behavior was unjustified. (He said she had spoken about his position on the issues after he had left a public meeting, so that he had no chance to respond.) Many people take this justification approach these days. Some are high-conflict people themselves, with a long-standing pattern of blaming others and a lack of self-awareness of their own negative behavior. Others are generally reasonable people who have become “emotionally hooked.”
For example, one management educator suggests in his book that it is appropriate to respond to rude behavior with a disdainful public response. (A man who was hassling a waitress was publically told by another customer that he was the perfect example of an asshole. “The entire place roared, and the asshole looked humiliated, shut his trap, and soon slithered out, while the waitress beamed.” ) Unfortunately, while momentarily satisfying, this approach is often just as uncivil as the rude behavior it is allegedly confronting. Instead, there are skills that people can use to respond to rude behavior without being uncivil in return. But these skills need to be practiced and part of the social environment.
ORGANIZATIONAL LEADERSHIP: People who study the social behavior of animals say that all mammals have a natural “dominance hierarchy.” There’s an “alpha” wolf or dog or baboon who is in charge of the pack. It’s common to have physical fights among these animals, until the dominance hierarchy has been established and the loser backs off. Then there is peace and stability, and the pack follows the leader’s lead behavior – often for quite a while. When the alpha finally loses the ability to remain dominant, then a new alpha emerges – often after a vicious power struggle – followed by a new period of stability.
This pattern seems to apply to humans as well, although mostly with verbal power struggles. However, long periods of peace and stability may be diminishing in today’s world, as businesses go through rapid upheavals and organizational change has become the standard. Not only is there increased anxiety as the hierarchy is constantly changed, but the worst power struggle behaviors of those on top may be repeated throughout the organization – as individuals try to defend themselves or jocky for higher positions. Uncivil statements are often part of these power struggles and the longer they remain unresolved, the more likely that they will spill over into the workplace at large.
Other research shows that we tend to adapt to the characteristics of the people around us. For example, if you are around obese people, you are more likely to become obese. If you are around people who smoke, you are more likely to smoke. And if you are around people who are happy, you are more likely to be happy.
All of this suggests that the organizational culture is driven by the examples at the top and by those closest to us in the workplace. If incivility is part of that culture, it will easily spread. Everyone knows how to be uncivil these days, based on the training we are receiving daily from our larger Culture of Blame and Disrespect. However, if incivility is rejected in the organizational culture, from the top down to the workgroup, then people are more likely to restrain themselves and practice civil behavior.
With all of this in mind, the following suggestions are made regarding the ways that civility training can benefit organizations and individuals. The focus needs to be on specific skills for civil responses to difficult behavior or uncivil comments, and on training the whole organization at the same time, to provide shared skills and an organizational culture that promotes respect and problem-solving.
What Can Be Done?
Specific skills can be taught for responding to uncivil or “high-conflict” behavior, which are simple and easy to remember under pressure. When we provide seminars to organizations, some of our most popular skills are the simplest to learn – although they need a lot of practice under pressure. The following are four of examples:
1. Reminders, such as “It’s Not About You!”: This is one of the most powerful statements that gives employees encouragement, while also restraining their own temptations to respond with an attack on someone else’s uncivil behavior. They don’t have to defend themselves or prove anything, because “It’s Not About Me!” This saves an incredible amount of emotional energy and time. At our trainings, we present several such “reminders” which can be practiced regularly. A full explanation of each of these gives employees a logical basis for the reminders, as well as an increased ability to remember them. Without a full explanation and repetitive practice, employees are more likely to forget and engage in counter-attacks in response to incivility and the bad behavior of others in general.
2. BIFF Responses. BIFFs are usually responses to uncivil emails, letters, memos and public attacks, usually in writing. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. Responding in this manner shifts the focus from attack-defend to information and choices. A good BIFF often ends a negative email or social media conversation that has been spiraling out of control. These brief responses can save energy and time, while earning respect for the person who is able to write a good BIFF. (See BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns at end of this article.)
3. E.A.R. Statements. E.A.R. stands for Empathy, Attention and/or Respect. By making statements which use this verbal technique, a person can respond to uncivil comments on the job with clients, co-workers and even supervisors. It takes the conflict out of the situation immediately. But it takes practice. In our seminars we include short and fun exercises for implementing this technique. (See article on our website titled: Calming Upset People with E.A.R.)
4. “That’s enough, Joe!” This is a skill for bystanders who witness uncivil behavior and for targets of incivility themselves. Incivility is fed by the laughter of bystanders or lack of opposition by bystanders. As incivility grows, such public disrespect is a more common occurrence. But an organization or workgroup can nip this in the bud by practicing calmly saying “That’s enough, Joe!” (or whatever the person’s name). This is a small and generally non-threatening message that’s easier to say than a major office confrontation or embarrassing public humiliation of the offender (tempting as it is). Also, an employee may feel safe saying this to an offender, whereas getting up the strength for a major or clever rejoinder may not be possible or appropriate (or safe). Of course, this also takes practice and some discretion in deciding when it is appropriate, especially when the offender is a supervisor. Just saying this to oneself about the offender can be reassuring and helpful.
These are four examples of several ways to avoid making uncivil comments or over-reacting to incivility. When individuals practice these techniques it empowers them to respond more quickly and confidently. This is much more effective than simply admonishing someone to be decent or civil, or feeling hopeless about incivility in today’s culture. When workgroups and organizations learn and practice these skills together, it gives everyone responses that they can share. Any co-worker can say “Remember, what Joe said is not about you” and a targeted co-worker will understand immediately. By understanding and learning these skills together, an organizational culture of respect and problem-solving can prevail. Such a culture can reduce stress on the job, and these skills can help employees in their personal lives as well.
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Bill Eddy is an attorney, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. Mr. Eddy and our affiliate trainers are available to present 3-hour and 6-hour training sessions to organizations, large and small, in understanding and managing incivility and other high-conflict behavior. We have provided such training to whole law offices, hospital administrations, human resource departments from colleges to railroads, homeowners associations and staff, and others. Mr. Eddy is the author of several books, including: BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns (HCI Press, 2011). For more information about our seminars, books, CDs and DVDs, please visit www.highconflictinstitute.com.
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Unhooked Books 