Guest Blog: BIFF – Quick Responses to High Conflict People
December 10, 2012
By Bill Eddy
Avoid Admonishments
Admonishments are really personal criticisms by a person in a superior role, such as a parent or a judge. High-conflict people interpret them as a personal attack, for the reasons explained above.
For example, you might feel like saying to a possible HCP: “You should know better than this.” “I’m surprised you would even consider such a plan.” “Look in the mirror, Joe.” And other comments that may sound innocent to the person giving the admonishment, but to most listeners (whether they are HCPs or not), they sound like a judgment of the whole person. If you use these expressions, you are doing what you don’t want others to do to you.
The message in an admonishment is that you are superior to the person you are writing to and have the right to criticize their behavior, even if you think you are doing it gently. It’s the assumption that you can judge the other person or her behavior that is the most offensive. The response will most likely be defensive, as the person tries to defend and justify their own actions. This is unnecessary and may trigger the person into their right brain defensiveness for quite a while. Just stay focused on the four parts of a BIFF response instead. It is designed to help you avoid slipping into admonishments.
Avoid Advice
This is actually the same problem as admonishments, but it often feels neutral. “I’m just trying to help with a few suggestions,” you might say. Perhaps you think it’s “constructive feedback.” But if the person didn’t ask you for feedback or suggestions, then you are treating the person disrespectfully – as though you are in a superior position to him – and he will probably attack you back if he’s an HCP. High-conflict people seem to spend a lot of their day in their right brain defensiveness – don’t reinforce this.
Avoid Apologies
This one is the opposite of what you would expect. While apologies are helpful with many people in many situations, they often backfire with HCPs. Instead of thanking you and that being the end of it, HCPs usually interpret an apology in an all-or-nothing manner. They think you said it was “all my fault.” This reinforces their belief that it really is all your fault and they will remind you of this the next time there is a conflict (and there usually is with HCPs).
It took me a while to figure this out. One day I was counseling a couple who were in a long-term relationship. The husband seemed like a bully and the wife seemed intimidated. Suddenly, the bully pulled out a piece of paper and said, “Let me remind you of this.” He went on to read:
“I’m sorry for all of the things I’ve said and done to disappoint you. I have disappointed myself too. I’m not as strong of a person as I thought I was, and I was wrong to criticize you and attack you for little things. I want to apologize and I hope you will accept my apology. I will try to be a better person in the future.”
Then he said: “Do you remember writing this?” and he held up the well-worn paper in front of her. He had no clue that he was being a bully. He truly believed it was all her fault. After all, the paper said she agreed with him! I’m sure she wrote it in an effort to get him to calm down one day years ago. But he was too defensive to understand this and they eventually split up. He was a high-conflict person.
This is the problem with apologies to HCPs. It reinforces their all-or-nothing belief systems. I know it can be hard to resist using an apology to calm down a high-conflict person, but it often comes back to haunt you – even years later. (Of course, you can say “I’m sorry I’m late” or “I’m sorry to see you in this difficult situation.” Those are social niceties, rather than taking responsibility for causing a problem.) Just be careful you aren’t slipping an apology into your BIFFs.
In short, watch out for the “3 A’s” described above whenever you write a BIFF. If possible, have someone else check it for you as well.
…
For more information on BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People view this video.
About Bill Eddy
William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
Guest Blog: Excerpt from It’s Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
December 3, 2012
Setting Limits
Setting limits is not a simple subject when an HCP is involved. It’s like walking a tight rope or walking on eggshells. Yet it’s often necessary. If you avoid setting limits with an HCP, you risk an escalation of conflict in your life—no matter how empathetic and respectful you might be. This is because HCPs generally can’t stop themselves.
Remember, their behavior is driven by their own spontaneous Internal Upsets— their feelings of distress and danger. While you can calm down an HCP with your E.A.R., this won’t change his or her personality. Sometimes it changes their behavior toward you as the Target of Blame, and sometimes it has only a very brief impact. We’ll talk about setting limits in depth in Tip #11. In the mean- time, here are a few brief points.
- Setting Limits is not aggressive. The goal is not to harm or destroy the other person, or to threaten the person unnecessarily.
- Setting Limits is not passive. The goal is not to ignore Behavior that’s Aggressively Defensive, which HCPs can quickly escalate if they feel there are no realistic limits.
- Setting Limits is assertive. The goal is to protect yourself by putting limits on the HCP’s behavior—stopping the behavior without attacking the HCP. Tip #11 addresses many ways to do this.
- Often, setting limits doesn’t require saying anything, just acting differently.
- Setting limits is best done in a matter-of-fact manner, with empathy and respect.
…
For more information on It’s All Your Fault!, view this video.
About Bill Eddy
William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
Guest Blog: Excerpted from The Future of Family Court STRUCTURE, SKILLS AND LESS STRESS
July 28, 2012
by Bill Eddy, LCSW, CFLS; Author of Managing High Conflict People in Court
Bill Eddy’s latest book addresses the difficulties and possible solutions to dealing with high-conflict parents in family court. Although written for judicial officers, anyone dealing with the family court can benefit from reading this book. Available in hard copy from HCI Press.
Parenting Coordinators
One of the ultimate solutions to removing high–conflict families from the Family Court adversarial process is to mostly remove the case from family court after the big decisions are made. Since high-conflict parents often return to court many times after the divorce is over, Parenting Coordinators are a valuable alternative for parents who still cannot make their own decisions. By ordering or encouraging the parents to stipulate to a Parenting Coordinator, they will have someone they can go to with petty complaints without incurring the cost of court and without the court having to deal with such petty matters.
Parenting Coordinators are usually trained mental health professionals or lawyers who have some degree of authority to resolve minor disputes between the parents. They can hear the parents on short notice and make decisions with little expense. Depending on the jurisdiction, Parenting Coordinators’ decisions are enforceable or are considered recommendations which the parents can challenge at court if they feel strongly enough about the decision.
Parenting Coordinators can also recommend or order further counseling, parenting classes and/or skills-building programs, to help them strengthen their own conflict resolution skills and parenting skills. Remember, with high-conflict parents, “the issue’s not the issue.” If they are primarily seeking validation, revenge, dominance, and so forth, they should do it outside of court as much as possible.
To read more of The Future of Family Court purchase your copy today, simply click here!
High Conflict Institute provides training and consultations, as well and books, DVDs and CDs regarding dealing with High Conflict People (HCPs) in legal, workplace, educational, and healthcare disputes. Bill Eddy is the President of the High Conflict Institute and the author of It’s All Your Fault!, Splitting, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns and Don’t Alienate the Kids! He is an author, attorney, mediator, and therapist. Bill has presented seminars to attorneys, judges, mediators, ombudspersons, human resource professionals, employee assistance professionals, managers, and administrators in 25 states, several provinces in Canada, France, Sweden, and Australia. For more information about High Conflict Institute, our seminars and consultations, Bill Eddy or to purchase a book, CD or DVD, visit: www.highconflictinstitute.com
About Unhooked Books
The 49th Annual Association of Family and Conciliation Courts Conference (AFCC) was another fantastic opportunity for Judges, Lawyers, Psychologists and Social Workers to get together to find clues about unraveling the puzzle of high conflict divorces. With this year’s theme “Attachment, Brain Science and Children of Divorce” a lot of research was presented pertaining to attachment.
Two things struck me from the conference. The first point was how lucky AFCC members are to have a forum for learning about the most up-to-date research and practices. The second point was despite all the work being done, that we have only begun to understand the complex dynamics of high conflict divorce and that research is desperately needed pertaining to interventions with high conflict families.
Unfortunately, even the best laboratory research may not generalize to the “real world” and people are so complex that no two families are alike.
My view of families is that they are stuck in a brick outhouse, and a ripe one at that. To explain this, each “brick” is a separate problem, whether the parents own issues from before the relationship, problems in the relationship, communication or problem solving weaknesses, extended family interference, mental illness, or a multitude of other possibilities. Solving issues in such high conflict families involves chipping away at one brick at a time while also teaching the family new skills and processes.
As professionals, we are obliged to keep up with the best possible knowledge of the day, while using “clinical judgment”, which is more of an art than a science, to meet the unique needs of each family we work with. The vast number of excellent programs emerging for working with high conflict divorces is both reassuring and overwhelming. Each program is a tool for the professional’s tool belt, and no one thing is, or ever will be, a cookie cutter solution for such families. This is one area where we do not have to worry about being replaced in the foreseeable future by computers and videos.
Even though professionals in the midst of divorce proceedings appear adversarial, including the mental health professionals at times, events such as the AFCC conference show that we are all on the same team – the one aimed and helping kids be their best.
About our Guest Blogger
Stephen Carter, Ph.D., is a Registered Psychologist based in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, specializing in counseling and assessments with adolescents and children, and assessments and interventions with divorcing families. He is the author of Family Restructuring Therapy, which is available for sale via unhookedbooks.com This book is a “how to” manual for working with families in separation and divorce using an active, directive therapeutic process called Family Restructuring Therapy. This philosophy and effective process works well for the “normal” divorced family who need to learn new practices and patterns, and for the “high-conflict” family whose behavior patterns have become so maladaptive that the children’s well-being is at risk.
A valuable resource for mental health professionals, and also for lawyers and the Court when trying to decide what can be done with challenging parenting battles. It is clearly not a passive approach to counseling. If you’re tired of witnessing the damage that conflict has on children and want to engage in the highly satisfying work of helping parents communicate effectively and seeing children relieved of the burden of picking sides, devour this book and get to work!
To learn more about Dr. Carter, or to explore family counseling options, please visit www.familyrestructuring.ca or send him an email at carter@chvbv.ca.
unhookedbooks
Unhooked Books 