Guest Blog: BIFF – Quick Responses to High Conflict People
December 10, 2012
By Bill Eddy
Avoid Admonishments
Admonishments are really personal criticisms by a person in a superior role, such as a parent or a judge. High-conflict people interpret them as a personal attack, for the reasons explained above.
For example, you might feel like saying to a possible HCP: “You should know better than this.” “I’m surprised you would even consider such a plan.” “Look in the mirror, Joe.” And other comments that may sound innocent to the person giving the admonishment, but to most listeners (whether they are HCPs or not), they sound like a judgment of the whole person. If you use these expressions, you are doing what you don’t want others to do to you.
The message in an admonishment is that you are superior to the person you are writing to and have the right to criticize their behavior, even if you think you are doing it gently. It’s the assumption that you can judge the other person or her behavior that is the most offensive. The response will most likely be defensive, as the person tries to defend and justify their own actions. This is unnecessary and may trigger the person into their right brain defensiveness for quite a while. Just stay focused on the four parts of a BIFF response instead. It is designed to help you avoid slipping into admonishments.
Avoid Advice
This is actually the same problem as admonishments, but it often feels neutral. “I’m just trying to help with a few suggestions,” you might say. Perhaps you think it’s “constructive feedback.” But if the person didn’t ask you for feedback or suggestions, then you are treating the person disrespectfully – as though you are in a superior position to him – and he will probably attack you back if he’s an HCP. High-conflict people seem to spend a lot of their day in their right brain defensiveness – don’t reinforce this.
Avoid Apologies
This one is the opposite of what you would expect. While apologies are helpful with many people in many situations, they often backfire with HCPs. Instead of thanking you and that being the end of it, HCPs usually interpret an apology in an all-or-nothing manner. They think you said it was “all my fault.” This reinforces their belief that it really is all your fault and they will remind you of this the next time there is a conflict (and there usually is with HCPs).
It took me a while to figure this out. One day I was counseling a couple who were in a long-term relationship. The husband seemed like a bully and the wife seemed intimidated. Suddenly, the bully pulled out a piece of paper and said, “Let me remind you of this.” He went on to read:
“I’m sorry for all of the things I’ve said and done to disappoint you. I have disappointed myself too. I’m not as strong of a person as I thought I was, and I was wrong to criticize you and attack you for little things. I want to apologize and I hope you will accept my apology. I will try to be a better person in the future.”
Then he said: “Do you remember writing this?” and he held up the well-worn paper in front of her. He had no clue that he was being a bully. He truly believed it was all her fault. After all, the paper said she agreed with him! I’m sure she wrote it in an effort to get him to calm down one day years ago. But he was too defensive to understand this and they eventually split up. He was a high-conflict person.
This is the problem with apologies to HCPs. It reinforces their all-or-nothing belief systems. I know it can be hard to resist using an apology to calm down a high-conflict person, but it often comes back to haunt you – even years later. (Of course, you can say “I’m sorry I’m late” or “I’m sorry to see you in this difficult situation.” Those are social niceties, rather than taking responsibility for causing a problem.) Just be careful you aren’t slipping an apology into your BIFFs.
In short, watch out for the “3 A’s” described above whenever you write a BIFF. If possible, have someone else check it for you as well.
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For more information on BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People view this video.
About Bill Eddy
William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
Guest Blog: Excerpt from BIFF—Quick Responses to High Conflict People
November 29, 2012
Oh, Brother!
Many families worldwide have an HCP who still depends on other family members as an adult to solve their routine personal problems – and angrily blames them when they don’t do it the way the HCP wants. I’m not talking about helping out a family member with a temporary financial or relationship problem. I’m talking about an HCP who drains their family for decades, before family members figure out how to set limits without making things worse. Using B.I.F.F. responses can be part of managing this type of family problem.
The following example is drawn from chapter 5 of It’s All Your Fault! Maria’s younger brother, Carlos, has been difficult his whole life. Now he has been fired from another job and lost his house. He wants Maria to deal with it and fix it for him, once again. She has been successful in her own life, but is exhausted trying to help him out. Yet she feels guilty if she doesn’t.
“Either you’re with me or you’re against me!” Carlos, age 38, screamed into the telephone at his sister, Maria, age 42. “People listen to you,” he said. “It’s all your fault I lost my job! You should have talked to my boss and helped clear up his false impressions of me, like I asked you to.”
“Carlos, you’re responsible for your own life. I can’t fix every problem you get yourself into. It’s not my fault. It’s your fault. It’s your life and your responsibility,” Maria replied.
“See how you talk to me!” Carlos replied angrily. “It’s true you never cared about me or what happened to me. You never wanted a younger brother.”
“That’s not true, and you know it!” Maria responded in exasperation.
Carlos continued, “So, since I’m losing my job, I’m also losing my house. You have to let me stay with you, again. If you’d helped me keep my job, this wouldn’t be your problem. But now it is your problem, and you have to fix it. So starting on the first of the month, I’ll be moving in again.”
“Don’t try to blame me for this, Carlos.” she replied. “And you’re not moving in with me again.”
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About Bill Eddy
William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
Guest Blog: Excerpt from BIFF – Quick Responses to High Conflict People
November 20, 2012
by Bill Eddy
Organizations and Governments
Most of us have been or will be involved in several organizations, whether a neighborhood committee, a parent-teacher association, a church or other religious membership, volunteer work, political parties, athletic, educational or otherwise. Such organizations attract HCPs, because they usually welcome almost anyone who shares their interests. Members for many of these organizations are not screened for conflict resolution skills or any other skills.
Such organizations also have rules and procedures. HCPs are often the ones who won’t follow the rules and procedures, or who want to get into positions of power so that they can try to impose their own rules and procedures on others. Most of these types of organizations encourage members to take leadership roles, so that they are more vulnerable to the quick rise of individuals who have these problems.
This is not to say that volunteer leaders and others are all HCPs – most are not. Instead, this is just to say that HCPs can more easily slip through the cracks and into leadership roles in these types of organizations than they would in business or the professions. (They show up there as well. It just takes them a little more work to get there.)
Religious organizations particularly struggle with how to handle HCPs, because they value every individual, their procedures are slow and forgiving, and the membership becomes divided over what to do. When a religious leader is an HCP, it can be confusing to determine whether the conflicts are over religious differences or the leader’s high-conflict personality – or both.
Government agencies and employees are focused on rules and procedures, and enforcing them in society. Much of their work is dealing with HCPs who do not comply. HCPs can also get into positions of power in government agencies, because they like having power over others. However, just as with the organizations described above, this does not mean that most government workers are HCPs or that most people who use government services are HCPs – they are not. This just means that there is an attraction to HCPs, because government offers so many opportunities to receive help, or to have power and control over others.
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About Bill Eddy
William A. (“Bill”) Eddy, L.C.S.W., J.D. is a family law attorney, therapist and mediator, with over thirty years’ experience working with children and families. He is the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute, which provides speakers, trainers and consultants on the subject of managing high-conflict people in legal disputes, workplace disputes, healthcare and education. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law and he teaches Psychology of Conflict at the Strauss Institute for Dispute Resolution at Pepperdine University School of Law. He is the author of several books, including:
It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
For more information about Bill Eddy, please visit: www.HighConflictInstitute.com.
Guest Blog: Bill Eddy: Guardians ad Litem, Parental Defense Lawyers and Mediators in Utah
June 1, 2012
Yesterday, I gave a keynote presentation and several workshops for about 150 lawyers representing parents and children in child abuse cases. The emphasis, of course, was Working with High Conflict Clients. They seemed to really grasp the methods that I call “Talking to the ‘Right’ Brain” in a conflict, which can apply to any professional in any setting. I emphasized that we can’t control other people’s behavior, but we can influence them by our own responses, including:
- Accepting that we are not responsible for the outcome of our clients’ disputes – they are – but that we are responsible for the process of assisting them. We need to avoid “hammering out” agreements with them, because this simply triggers their heightened defensiveness (right brain) and reduces their ability to think logically (left brain), and they may undermine the agreement soon afterwards.
- Working with patience – understanding that it often takes high conflict people 2-3 times as long to settle their disputes, but that they can settle them. When there is limited time for a decision, this means coaching clients sufficiently in advance of settlement meetings.
- Talking to the ‘right brain,” by using E.A.R. Statements: Speaking with Empathy, Attention and Respect for clients, opposing parties and even high conflict lawyers. This tends to calm them down, which is necessary before discussions of logic, facts, laws and future actions can take place productively.
- Providing structure to our conversations, so that clients and others are expected to accomplish small tasks with our guidance, rather than simply telling them to stop misbehaving, criticizing them or expecting them to accomplish big things that they do not have the skills to accomplish – especially as fast as we want.
- Emphasizing learning skills for conflict resolution, including how to make proposals, respond to proposals, communicate in writing with BIFF Responses (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm), give yourself encouraging statements, and other small skills with lots of repetition.
- Repeating information and requirements frequently, because they often are unable to absorb new ideas or tasks as quickly as we can as professionals.
Often professionals become irritated at having to answer the same questions over and over again, but this is a reality when you are working with high conflict clients who can’t absorb information when they are emotionally distracted. It is best to accept this and patiently repeat information which they may absorb after the third or fourth explanation. They need to be calmed down first, in order to learn new skills and understand new realities, rather than being criticized or told how frustrating they are. This doesn’t have to take much time at all.
The Utah lawyers indicated that this focus on What To Do was very helpful. I also met with child welfare mediators, who assist in settling many of the cases in this area. They don’t mediate child abuse, but they mediate what can be done now, in terms of parent treatment, legal consequences, and sometimes termination of parental rights in extreme cases. They have a high success rate, settling about 80% of their cases in mediation. Yet they were very interested in further understanding the causes and dynamics of personality disorders and how to work with parties who may have these disorders in the short period of time they have for their mediation sessions.
This was a very dedicated group of lawyers and mediators, and we all realized how much impact this work can have on the future of children in abusive families. Personality disorders seem to be increasing in society and I think they agreed with me that helping abusive parents can have a positive effect on helping their children in the long run. Otherwise, children tend to repeat their parents’ behavior and we often see a cycle of abuse, academic and economic failure in their future – and all of our futures – if we don’t intervene effectively to help these families as early as possible.
As a closing note, this conference was held in the beautiful green and snow-capped mountains of Utah, which looked like the Swiss Alps. Inspiring for dealing with such a difficult subject!
High Conflict Institute provides training and consultations, as well and books, DVDs and CDs regarding dealing with High Conflict People (HCPs) in legal, workplace, educational, and healthcare disputes. Bill Eddy is the President of the High Conflict Institute and the author of It’s All Your Fault!, Splitting, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns and Don’t Alienate the Kids! He is an author, attorney, mediator, and therapist. Bill has presented seminars to attorneys, judges, mediators, ombudspersons, human resource professionals, employee assistance professionals, managers, and administrators in 25 states, several provinces in Canada, France, Sweden, and Australia. For more information about High Conflict Institute, our seminars and consultations, Bill Eddy or to purchase a book, CD or DVD, visit: www.highconflictinstitute.com
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