Avoid Admonishments, Advice and Apologies

It is nearly impossible to resist the urge to write Blamespeak back, in response to a personal attack. Most people in the news can’t do it, which is often why they’re in the news!
Blamespeak triggers the defensive part of your brain. Before I explain the details of avoiding Blamespeak in your BIFF’s, let me say a little about why our brains have such a hard time with this. It should make it easier for you to overcome the powerful urge to slip Blamespeak into your BIFF’s.
Left Brain and Right Brain Conflict Resolution
Our brains are mostly divided into two hemispheres. They each have their own way of responding to conflicts, although there is some overlap. Our brains are really a combination of parts that serve different purposes. They take turns in dominating our thinking at times and generally work together – just as we have many muscles in our arms that work together rather than just one muscle.
Our brains are very flexible and the location of brain activity for different purposes varies somewhat person to person. My comments about the brain throughout this book are based on reading research, attending seminars, and seeing what works in the practice of conflict resolution. I’m not a neuroscientist, so this book is meant to be practical and general, rather than scientifically exact.

About Bill Eddy

William A. (“Bill”) Eddy IS CO-FOUNDER AND PRESIDENT OF HIGH CONFLICT INSTITUTE, LLC, IN San Diego, California, AND Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California. He is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California with over FIFTEEN years’ experience representing clients in family court. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics.

About Unhooked Books
Unhooked Books is the one place for people to find the best and most current information and resources available on personality disorders, high-conflict personalities, divorce, parenting, co-parenting, living healthy, eating healthy, and managing your life. Founder & CEO, Megan Hunter, established one place for people in any type of relationship to find tools to enhance relationships, prevent relationship disaster and handle relationship transition. Her firm belief is that with just a little education, most people can resolve most relationship issues.

Guest Blog: Beware of HCPs Who Are Persuasive Blamers

Excerpted from It’s All Your Fault! by Bill Eddy, LCSW, ESQ

Instead of adapting to their social group and current environment, HCPs try to get others and their environment to adapt to them and their point of view. This is a big reason they routinely get into conflicts and then escalate into “high conflict” situations. They don’t use the ordinary conflict resolution procedures of listening to and respecting others’ points of view and making some adjustments (however small) in response. Because of their dual personas, they can be very persuasive.

There are at least 10 nonverbal, unconscious, social cues that HCPs generally use (mostly unconsciously, but sometimes consciously) that are highly persuasive to many people around them. Advertising researchers and negotiations experts call this “peripheral persuasion.” It occurs on the periphery of people’s consciousness and usually slips under their radar, highly influencing their thinking and actions.

These 10 peripheral factors (Two are included in this blog. To read more, please purchase your copy of It’s All Your Fault!) help persuade people in any type of dispute, even when the facts would indicate otherwise.

1. Charm—All human beings, including judges and juries, develop bonds with people, and these bonds can influence our view of the facts. HCPs are especially good at forming bonds temporarily with anyone. It’s called charm. This is perhaps their strongest skill because they have to rely so heavily on others to handle their many interpersonal problems. They’ve spent a lifetime charming, manipulating, and pleading to get other people on their side. Ordinary, reasonable people usually don’t put much energy into bonding with or persuading decision-makers, because they believe the truth will simply come out and resolve the dispute. Unfortunately, in a society based so much on persuasion, this is often not the result. Just as HCPs may have it backward because of their high conflict thinking, they and their advocates often persuade others and decision makers to also get it backward. Their Internal Upsets become external facts to those who bond with them.

2. Heightened Emotions—One of the first things people notice about HCPs is their high-intensity emotions: hurt, fear, anger, sadness, etc. These emotions can be almost intolerable to be around, so many people will agree with HCPs simply to get them to calm down. If you disagree, HCPs will escalate the situation more and more urgently. Finally, someone has to give in. HCPs usually outlast ordinary people, because to them the problem feels so urgent and absolute. Yet these emotions are highly persuasive. We tend to think that when someone is really upset it’s because something upsetting happened. “That’s awful. Something should be done about that.” But with HCPs, especially the “Always Dramatic” HCPs, it more likely comes from the constant emotional chaos of their Internal Upsets and is less likely caused by external events. On the other hand, the emotions of HCPs make them much more interesting than the average person, so they succeed at getting a lot of attention.

High Conflict Institute provides training and consultations, as well and books, DVDs and CDs regarding dealing with High Conflict People (HCPs) in legal, workplace, educational, and healthcare disputes. Bill Eddy is the President of the High Conflict Institute and the author of It’s All Your Fault!, Splitting, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns and Don’t Alienate the Kids! He is an author, attorney, mediator, and therapist. Bill has presented seminars to attorneys, judges, mediators, ombudspersons, human resource professionals, employee assistance professionals, managers, and administrators in 25 states, several provinces in Canada, France, Sweden, and Australia. For more information about High Conflict Institute, our seminars and consultations, Bill Eddy or to purchase a book, CD or DVD, visit: http://www.HighConflictInstitute.com

Excerpt: B.I.F.F.s for Politicians

Politicians are among those who use Blamespeak the most – because it works! In recent elections people have deplored the use of negative ads, yet they have been used more than ever. They grab your attention and make you concerned. While most politicians in the past were not high-conflict people, the times we live in seem to reinforce high-conflict politicians the most. In our highly competitive world of news, the most extreme behavior gets the most attention.

The effect of this trend will be more and more high-conflict politicians getting elected – and acting badly. Those who live by Blamespeak will often crash by Blamespeak – and we have seen many politicians getting pushed out of office for bad behavior. High-conflict people have predictable patterns of behavior – at least to those who pay attention to HCP dynamics.

HCPs in politics often start out by alleging to be heroes against evil villains – and all-or-nothing approach. “Elect me and I will eliminate the fraud and corruption of the prior government official.” The ones who say this the loudest are often the HCPs, because they rely on extreme emotions to hook in the electorate and often promise extreme solutions.

Government is a messy business, because it has to somehow deal with differences of opinions in ways that everyone can tolerate. Good politicians can get work done by managing these differences, with respect for everyone, including people who hold very opposite points of view. High-conflict politicians are less able to manage differences and resort to all-or-nothing thinking, exaggerated emotions and extreme solutions – which only they know how to accomplish! Beware!

This chapter includes two examples of possible B.I.F.F.s in response to real statements – one by a Democrat and one by a Republican. No names are mentioned, as the point is to practice how to respond, not how to judge or promote one party or another. There are plenty of HCPs in all parties, for the same reasons that there are plenty of HCPs in all the other settings described in this book: HCPs seem to be increasing in society and they are attracted to conflict where they can thrive.

HCPs make it look like there is a legal or political issue, but the “issue” is not the issue – their personality is the issue. Of course, I don’t know if anyone was an HCP in these scenarios and my facts are certainly not complete. I never met the people involved and there are always many points of view. What’s important here is the concepts of how to respond to political Blamespeak.

To read more, order your copy of B.I.F.F. Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Hostile Emails, Vicious Rumors, and Personal Attacks  by Bill Eddy Attorney, Mediator and Therapist

Incivility in the Workplace: A Growing Problem – Guest Blogger – Bill Eddy

Civility Training at Work
By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
© 2011 by High Conflict Institute
Times have changed. Incivility is growing in the workplace, as well as in most areas of our society. How big of a problem is this? Why is this happening? And what can be done about it – as individuals and as organizations? The two main points of this article are to explain why the most effective civility training focuses on specific skills, rather than simply admonishing people to be civil or decent, and to explain why such training is best when provided to a whole workgroup or organization at the same time.
A Growing Problem?
In August 2011, a front-page newspaper article stated that incivility in the workplace is growing, as reported by the American Psychological Association. According to a poll by Civility in America, 43% of American workers have experienced incivility and 38% say there is increasing disrespect in the workplace. Another study showed 86% of workers saw incidents of incivility in several firms.
Effective January 2009, The Joint Commission, which sets the standards for hospitals nationwide, adopted new leadership standards for conflict management in hospitals, because of “intimidating and disruptive behaviors” by some healthcare professionals and employees that could affect patient care.
In July 2009, a “Civility Toolbox” for California attorneys was implemented after being developed by a Civility Task Force because of the “perceived decline in civility in the practice of law.”

In July 2011, a squabble between congressional members hit the national news for a week during the debt ceiling debate, when one member sent an email (copied to several others) telling another member “You are the most vile, unprofessional, and despicable member of the US House of Representatives…. You have proven repeatedly that you are not a Lady, therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me!”

These events indicate a growing problem with incivility throughout our society. However, not everyone acts this way. Now appears to be a good time to strongly address this problem before it grows out of control. First, we need to understand what may be driving this behavior, so we can most effectively reduce it.
What Causes Incivility?  
There seems to be several causes feeding this problem.
A CULTURE OF BLAME AND DISRESPECT:  We currently live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect, so that television, movies, the internet and even newspapers emphasize the misbehavior of individuals more than issues of real substance: Who said what disrespectful statement to whom today? Who walked off a TV show or out of a political meeting? And what acts of the worst individual violence were done – and by whom? It’s as if to say: “Don’t you ever act this way – and we’ll show you again and again how to do it!”
Brain researchers have recently discovered that we have “mirror neurons” in our brains, which cause us to imagine ourselves doing the exact same behaviors of the people we see around us and to feel what they are feeling – perhaps to prepare ourselves to do the same behaviors if necessary.  They report that our mirror neurons even imitate the behavior of people we see on a 2-dimensional screen (TV, computers, etc.), although the effect may be slightly less than it would be in person. Thus we may be absorbing the behaviors associated with violence, disrespect and the current cultural preoccupation with blaming others while avoiding responsibility. Whether we actually act on these behaviors may depend on our closest colleagues.
Incivility is an angry act. Brain research informs us that watching other people’s facial expressions of anger or fear can hook the amygdala in our brains with lighting speed. The amygdala grabs our attention, shuts down our higher thinking, and prepares us for “fight or flight.”  In many cases, incivility may be part of this protective/defensive response, such as the congressman suggests above. He justifies his statement by saying it was simply a response to the congresswoman’s attack on him.
Such negative behavior is clearly inappropriate in modern situations and often backfires. Yet we are repeatedly exposed to examples of incivility, presented as newsworthy behavior from the highest levels of government, business and entertainment. While such statements are criticized by some, they are defended and applauded by others. This behavior – and the lack of agreement about it – makes us more anxious as a society, and research shows that we are more likely to absorb the emotions of those around us if we are anxious.
With this knowledge, it’s not surprising that incivility is growing in our culture. Rather than emphasizing the positive behaviors necessary for the success of a culture, we are preoccupied with entertainment and news images that emphasize the negative – because it’s what grabs our attention and that’s what sells. Unfortunately, this is also what we learn to mirror.
HIGH-CONFLICT INDIVIDUALS: Recent research indicates that “high-conflict” personalities are increasing in our society. People with these personalities tend to have a lot of all-or-nothing thinking, unmanaged emotions, extreme behaviors, a preoccupation with blaming others and a lack of self-restraint.    Making rude and uncivil comments may be part of their personalities, so that it feels totally appropriate to them and they are not even apologetic or embarrassed by this behavior. On the other hand, some people may not have “high-conflict” personalities, but they may believe that rude comments and behavior are an appropriate response to someone else’s uncivil behavior.
For example, is the congressman above a high-conflict person? Or is he simply responding to a high-conflict person with appropriate comments? He justifies his behavior because of his perception that her behavior was unjustified. (He said she had spoken about his position on the issues after he had left a public meeting, so that he had no chance to respond.) Many people take this justification approach these days. Some are high-conflict people themselves, with a long-standing pattern of blaming others and a lack of self-awareness of their own negative behavior. Others are generally reasonable people who have become “emotionally hooked.”
For example, one management educator suggests in his book that it is appropriate to respond to rude behavior with a disdainful public response. (A man who was hassling a waitress was publically told by another customer that he was the perfect example of an asshole. “The entire place roared, and the asshole looked humiliated, shut his trap, and soon slithered out, while the waitress beamed.” ) Unfortunately, while momentarily satisfying, this approach is often just as uncivil as the rude behavior it is allegedly confronting. Instead, there are skills that people can use to respond to rude behavior without being uncivil in return. But these skills need to be practiced and part of the social environment.
ORGANIZATIONAL LEADERSHIP:  People who study the social behavior of animals say that all mammals have a natural “dominance hierarchy.”  There’s an “alpha” wolf or dog or baboon who is in charge of the pack. It’s common to have physical fights among these animals, until the dominance hierarchy has been established and the loser backs off. Then there is peace and stability, and the pack follows the leader’s lead behavior – often for quite a while. When the alpha finally loses the ability to remain dominant, then a new alpha emerges – often after a vicious power struggle – followed by a new period of stability.
This pattern seems to apply to humans as well, although mostly with verbal power struggles. However, long periods of peace and stability may be diminishing in today’s world, as businesses go through rapid upheavals and organizational change has become the standard. Not only is there increased anxiety as the hierarchy is constantly changed, but the worst power struggle behaviors of those on top may be repeated throughout the organization – as individuals try to defend themselves or jocky for higher positions. Uncivil statements are often part of these power struggles and the longer they remain unresolved, the more likely that they will spill over into the workplace at large.
Other research shows that we tend to adapt to the characteristics of the people around us. For example, if you are around obese people, you are more likely to become obese. If you are around people who smoke, you are more likely to smoke. And if you are around people who are happy, you are more likely to be happy.
All of this suggests that the organizational culture is driven by the examples at the top and by those closest to us in the workplace. If incivility is part of that culture, it will easily spread. Everyone knows how to be uncivil these days, based on the training we are receiving daily from our larger Culture of Blame and Disrespect. However, if incivility is rejected in the organizational culture, from the top down to the workgroup, then people are more likely to restrain themselves and practice civil behavior.
With all of this in mind, the following suggestions are made regarding the ways that civility training can benefit organizations and individuals. The focus needs to be on specific skills for civil responses to difficult behavior or uncivil comments, and on training the whole organization at the same time, to provide shared skills and an organizational culture that promotes respect and problem-solving.
What Can Be Done?
Specific skills can be taught for responding to uncivil or “high-conflict” behavior, which are simple and easy to remember under pressure. When we provide seminars to organizations, some of our most popular skills are the simplest to learn – although they need a lot of practice under pressure. The following are four of examples:
1.    Reminders, such as “It’s Not About You!”: This is one of the most powerful statements that gives employees encouragement, while also restraining their own temptations to respond with an attack on someone else’s uncivil behavior. They don’t have to defend themselves or prove anything, because “It’s Not About Me!” This saves an incredible amount of emotional energy and time. At our trainings, we present several such “reminders” which can be practiced regularly. A full explanation of each of these gives employees a logical basis for the reminders, as well as an increased ability to remember them. Without a full explanation and repetitive practice, employees are more likely to forget and engage in counter-attacks in response to incivility and the bad behavior of others in general.

2.    BIFF Responses. BIFFs are usually responses to uncivil emails, letters, memos and public attacks, usually in writing. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. Responding in this manner shifts the focus from attack-defend to information and choices. A good BIFF often ends a negative email or social media conversation that has been spiraling out of control. These brief responses can save energy and time, while earning respect for the person who is able to write a good BIFF. (See BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns at end of this article.)

3.    E.A.R. Statements. E.A.R. stands for Empathy, Attention and/or Respect. By making statements which use this verbal technique, a person can respond to uncivil comments on the job with clients, co-workers and even supervisors. It takes the conflict out of the situation immediately. But it takes practice. In our seminars we include short and fun exercises for implementing this technique. (See article on our website titled: Calming Upset People with E.A.R.)

4.    “That’s enough, Joe!” This is a skill for bystanders who witness uncivil behavior and for targets of incivility themselves. Incivility is fed by the laughter of bystanders or lack of opposition by bystanders. As incivility grows, such public disrespect is a more common occurrence. But an organization or workgroup can nip this in the bud by practicing calmly saying “That’s enough, Joe!” (or whatever the person’s name). This is a small and generally non-threatening message that’s easier to say than a major office confrontation or embarrassing public humiliation of the offender (tempting as it is).  Also, an employee may feel safe saying this to an offender, whereas getting up the strength for a major or clever rejoinder may not be possible or appropriate (or safe). Of course, this also takes practice and some discretion in deciding when it is appropriate, especially when the offender is a supervisor. Just saying this to oneself about the offender can be reassuring and helpful.
These are four examples of several ways to avoid making uncivil comments or over-reacting to incivility. When individuals practice these techniques it empowers them to respond more quickly and confidently. This is much more effective than simply admonishing someone to be decent or civil, or feeling hopeless about incivility in today’s culture. When workgroups and organizations learn and practice these skills together, it gives everyone responses that they can share. Any co-worker can say “Remember, what Joe said is not about you” and a targeted co-worker will understand immediately.  By understanding and learning these skills together, an organizational culture of respect and problem-solving can prevail. Such a culture can reduce stress on the job, and these skills can help employees in their personal lives as well.
————————
Bill Eddy is an attorney, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. Mr. Eddy and our affiliate trainers are available to present 3-hour and 6-hour training sessions to organizations, large and small, in understanding and managing incivility and other high-conflict behavior. We have provided such training to whole law offices, hospital administrations, human resource departments from colleges to railroads, homeowners associations and staff, and others. Mr. Eddy is the author of several books, including: BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns (HCI Press, 2011). For more information about our seminars, books, CDs and DVDs, please visit www.highconflictinstitute.com.