My most recent seminars were in Burlington, Ontario, on Lake Ontario. The summer weather couldn’t be better and I really enjoyed walking along their boardwalk in the evenings.
Day One focused on “Managing High Conflict Clients: Ethics and Risk Management.” We had over 80 people from a wide variety of professions: domestic violence program counselors, therapists, social workers, child welfare, government agencies, court-related staff, human resources, etc. I have found that this program really appeals to a broad range of professionals, because nowadays we all are facing more “high-conflict” clients. Handling them ethically involves treating them with respect and setting limits with empathy, no matter how awful they may treat us. We have learned that there is no conflict between using Empathy, Attention and Respect (EAR statements) AND having clear boundaries, limits and responsibility on the client’s shoulders. These are concepts that most people get backwards in the larger culture, as most people over-react, by becoming defensive and blaming the client. The skills we have developed at High Conflict Institute really do seem to work and I was glad to share them with this group.
Day Two focused on the “New Ways for Families” method that we have developed for family court systems, therapists and counseling agencies. In many ways this is also a counter-intuitive method for professionals. Instead of “counseling” the client by discussing their feelings and guiding them toward solutions, this method teaches them skills for managing their own feelings and building their own solutions. It is a significant shift for counselors, but we have found that those who train in this method and really practice it are successful with some of the most difficult clients. But it is important to realize that this is not a personality change method, but rather a set of skills that potentially high-conflict parents can learn to use when guided by professionals. They often do not practice these skills unless their professionals provide structures within which to use them. One of the common fallacies about high-conflict people is that they could self-manage themselves, but just choose not to. We believe that they really lack the skills of self-management (especially when they are upset) and so we teach them those skills and provide structures for them to succeed.
For those interested in the New Ways for Families method, we are looking at expanding its use in 2013 to more court systems and more counseling agencies and individual counselors. Please see our website for this method: www.NewWays4Families.com. It’s an integrated method which all professionals can use in managing potentially difficult clients and helping their children, whether involved in court or any family decisions.
High Conflict Institute provides training and consultations, as well and books, DVDs and CDs regarding dealing with High Conflict People (HCPs) in legal, workplace, educational, and healthcare disputes. Bill Eddy is the President of the High Conflict Institute and the author of It’s All Your Fault!, Splitting, BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns and Don’t Alienate the Kids! He is an author, attorney, mediator, and therapist. Bill has presented seminars to attorneys, judges, mediators, ombudspersons, human resource professionals, employee assistance professionals, managers, and administrators in 25 states, several provinces in Canada, France, Sweden, and Australia. For more information about High Conflict Institute, our seminars and consultations, Bill Eddy or to purchase a book, CD or DVD, visit: www.highconflictinstitute.com
Just Stop! It’s Easier Than You Think…
June 20, 2012
Hi, I’m Megan Hunter, CEO/speaker at Life Unhooked, publisher at HCI Press and CEO/founder at Unhooked Books. I’m dedicated to being your resource for information on unhooking from high conflict people at work and in your personal life so that you can be happier and healthier.
Search for the terms, dating, relationships, weight loss, dieting, or stop smoking in the Amazon bookstore and you’ll find hundreds or maybe even thousands of relevant books. Every book has a perspective and value but few offer readers the option of digging beneath the surface to get at the underlying reasons for our addictions and bad habits. So, when I was approached by two therapist/educators about publishing a series of books that would do just that, I was sold!
The therapists, Vicki Carpel Miller BSN, MS, LMFT and Ellie Izzo, PhD, LPC, found that the majority of their clients shared commonalities, regardless of the issue. They typically had unresolved, underlying issues (or should I just call it what it is in lots of cases – traumas) that usually hung around for years, maybe even since childhood. They developed a method called the Rapid Advance Process to help clients quickly achieve success. But, they thought, what about the people who don’t seek therapy for help? How can they be reached? Thus was born the Just Stop Series.
They started with Just Stop Doing That!, a book that introduces the Rapid Advance Process and a clear, simple explanation of how bad habits form and get stuck in a loop in our neurocircuitry. The reader gets a brief education about the genesis of bad habits, then starts on a path of getting at those life places where they’re stuck. Working through the 5-step workbook portion forces the reader to answer questions about their own history, just like you would in therapy. By the time you get through all 5 steps, that bad habits will either be broken or nearly broken.
The second and third books in the series, Just Stop Picking Losers! and Just Stop Eating That!, focus on dating/relationships and dieting/weight loss. They use the same Rapid Advance Process and a new series of questions that guide the reader through their history and into success and freedom.
Just Stop Eating That! goes beyond calorie counting and yo-yo dieting. Ultimately, Vicki and Ellie teach you to use your thoughts to break the old neurocircuitry that keeps you eating too much, then walk you through the Rapid Advance Process to get quickly to life-altering changes. No more diets. No more bouncing around. Simply understanding what lies underneath, getting rid of old thought patterns and learning new ones.
Just Stop Picking Losers! uses stories from people who chose the wrong person and others who chose the right person, they help the reader stop repeating history and start picking the right person. I love this book because Vicki and Ellie don’t mince words. They caution us to stop ignoring the red flags, help us understand why we keep picking the same relationships over and over, and give us the tools to break the old brain thoughts and replace them with new thoughts that help us pick the right person (aka, healthy person).
Pick up a copy of one or all three. If not for you, then pick them up for your friends. It’s money well-spent. In fact, the $12.95 price is only about 10% of what you’d pay for just one therapy session. Value, value, value. Success, success, success.
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